Saturday, April 21, 2012

Another Grandmom story.

Since she was so entertaining, my grandmother Lorraine Buschhorn probably ought to have her own chapter.

She donated her body to science.  For the university to get her remains, for study, dissection, crash tests, etc., she needed to "die" in New Jersey.  If she croaked in any other state, we were instructed to drive her body back to New jersey, before reporting her death. 

When she came out to Idaho, to visit, this was a big responsibility, since her boyfriend did not drive.  What it meant was that I would have to drive her "remains" (corpse, decaying flesh), across the country in a car that had damn well better have A/C, as fast as possible.  I did not want her to turn into a liquefying pool of mankyness, in the passenger's seat.

I would also be driving at the maximum rated speed.  Of the car.  In other words, wherever the carpet stopped the gas pedal.  Just in case, I once figured at 140MPH, I could be from my front door, to hers in 18 hours.  But in yet another calculation, it was shown that I'd be stopping for fuel every 45 minutes, so gas would cost about $700, for that trip. 

Grandmom taught me to plan ahead. 

I figured a space blanket was pretty water (et cetera) proof so I could line the front seat with that and hope for the best.  sure it's morbid to think in those terms but it's also stupid not to.  Nobody wants to smell grand mom, every time the sun shines on the car, for a few minutes, for the next ten years.

To give some background on how my Grandmother got this way...

It is probably genetic.  Her grandmother had cut off one of her fingers, as a child.

On a bet.

As in "I bet you won't cut off your finger, with the hatchet."  neeter neeter.

It was a [WHACK!]  "You lose." kind of scenario, apparently. 

Her dad did not need to threaten the boys who came around to date her, in high school.  That kind of word gets around, I'm sure.  If she would cut off her own finger, what do you suppose she might do to you?  If she has that kind of disregard for her own digits, in what sort of disdain might she hold any particular part of your anatomy that had actually displeased her?  If some piece of you actually made her, say, angry...


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