Thursday, April 12, 2012

Pinky toe.

Is apparently an appendage designed to find the edges of furniture, in your home.  I wonder what cavemen used them for?

Tailbones are not that useful either.  Sure they anchor your pelvic floor muscles, presumably so your wiener doesn't unwind like an out of control venetian blind.  After thirty years of pain, while sitting, I asked my doctor if it could just be removed.  he said "Sure, as long as you don't mind never having an erection again."


Well I am somewhat enamored with my erections so I don't think I am "up" for anything that might take them away, forever.

I broke my tailbone, as a kid.  In the afternoon, before football practice, my friend Lindsay Dixon and I, lined up a mattress/box spring that his parents were tossing, with a pair of inner tubes, from a car.  The idea being, we'd run up, bounce, sprightly off the inner tubes and do a front flip, onto the mattress.

it turned out to be difficult to do a proper flip uphill onto a mattress that was higher than your knees.  So we removed the box spring.  First flip and my butt went through the mattress and "bottomed out" on the hard ground.  Snap goes the tailbone.

Naturally, part of football practice, in August has to be lots of toe touches and sit ups. 

Sit ups.  Not so fun when the top of your butt crack is swelling, so as to cause the maximum pain to the broken bone underneath.

Tailbone.  Named for a thing I don't have.

Wouldn't a tail be terrific? Sure we'd all need special pants but hell... especially if you could hang from it like the monkeys do!  Girls would flirt with boys by tossing their hair *and* flipping them with their tails.  There's a whole world of activities we are missing.  Boys would pull girls tails, in elementary school. 

We'd accidentally slam them in car doors and elevators.  People would dye them different colors on Easter.  Motorcyclists would have extra controls that use the tail.  Helicopter pilots would be able to do nine different things at once, with their tails.  Football players would have bent-up, crooked tails.  Wrestlers would get  cauliflower tail.

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