Monday, February 6, 2012


Ouch!  Hip pain was a problem, for me, for years.  I finally found a stretch that worked and it went away.

P90x makes my thighs like ROCKS.  I think I could sharpen kitchen knives on my butt.  [SHHHING!]

Popping my hips made a big difference as well.  They don't really pop but make a noise like pulling a cooked chicken leg off the thigh?  A crackly squish and then the pain and tension goes away.  I stand with my feet about shoulder width apart and with my toes slightly out.  Then try to pull my legs together, against the friction of my feet, on the floor.  [poof!] pain gone!

The stretches involved turning my foot as far as it would go, then twisting my body, slowly to turn it even farther.  I went both ways and did that stretch for about a year, whenever I felt pain.  I stopped about two years ago, because my hips stopped hurting :)

Hips and shoulders need lots of things to be just right or they hurt and don't work.  Whose design was the human body, anyway?

"Let's put the nose right here!  Upside down, directly over the mouth.  GENIUS!  Moving on...  I'm not feeling very artistic and I'm sort of in a rush, so let's work on sinuses, toes and genitals..."

Fail :)

Don't get me started on turtles and platypus'.  And toads?  Seems like something someone sort of threw together at the last minute, for a project.  I give toads a "D".

What was I saying?  Oh yeah... P90x.  That Tony Horton guy really likes yoga.  I had no idea yoga was so strenuous!  OW!  you hold yourself in these rock-climber kind of poses, until your muscles want to kill you, then you switch to poses that are *really* hard, then just when you think you are going to die, he says the word no P90x user wants to hear... "Plyometrics!" and he makes it "hard".  I dream of choking Tony Horton to death, when he says "Don't forget to breathe!" and I am vacuuming my whole house with every inhale.

It's more difficult than I thought!  I am usually sweaty, breathing hard and ready to stop, during the 3-minute warm-up.  It's all I can do to keep going, when every atom in my body is saying,

"Stop it.  Stop it right now or you are going to pay dearly.  Remember the really-quite-unendurable-pain?  Well... lets just ramp that up, shall we?  Let's see if THAT doesn't get you to quit.  No?  Perhaps the pain you cannot ignore should be increased?  How does a stroke sound?  Well we are not going to reward you with that.  No, no.  Perhaps the sensation that wild animals are chewing on your muscles."  And it goes on in that style until the end of the stupid DVD.  I do not like the tone my muscle atoms take with me.  Like they are giving the orders, not my brain.

I think my fat is too lazy to really talk.  It just lays there, like water.  Flopping it's way to it's own level and dragging me down with it.  My fat mutters "Let's just lie here and not do anything."  And the more fat I get, the more I can hear it.  It wraps itself around my muscles and muffles their voices.

My muscles say things like "NOW NOW NOW!  Let's go DO something.  Anybody wanna play tag?  Let's go swimming!  Do you have a Frisbee?  Those are AWESOME!  COME ON!  It's SOOOOO sunny!!!!"

But the fat seems to think sunny is a good word for "hammock".  You know hammocks were invented by a fat guy.  It's a way to relax that punishes you for any movement.  If you don't believe me, try having sex in a hammock.  If you are willing to ridicule yourself, film it.  I guarantee it'd be more famous than any famous person's sex-tape.  Paris Hilton?  Kim Kardashian?  Pfff.  They'd have nothing on a total nobody like me, trying to get it on in a hammock.

It'd be even more funny because I'm fat.  I'd just need to find a fat girlfriend who's willing to be humiliated, on tape.  Well, I guess if she's dating me... [check].

No comments:

Post a Comment