Sunday, February 12, 2012


My driver's license pictures, and really any government photos, have always been great.  I look tan and fit and fashionable.  It's really incredible.  For others it is as though the special cameras they use, at the DMV take a picture of you, in another dimension.  The you that eats all the cheesecake you want.  The you that never exercises and was born fifteen years earlier. 

I want to get a photo of what I really look like.

Actually I'd appreciate a driver's license picture where I am mid-sneeze.  Cheeks all blown out.  One eye partially open.  Lips flapping.  I would look forward to seeing the look on police officer's faces when they look at the pic. 

"License and registration please... thank you.  Sir do you know why I pulled you o- MY GOD!"  His hand covers his mouth.

"I was sneezing when she took the picture."  You'd probably get off with a warning, after the officer took a picture of your driver's license.  You've suffered enough.

And you KNOW that's the kind of picture the ladies at the DMV crave more than any.  There must be a wall, in the break room, where they post this month's "BEST PICS".  A mom shouting at her kids, off camera.  The girl with the bad sunburn around where she was clearly wearing sunglasses.  The guy with waaaaay too much fake tan.  The man dressed as a woman.

For my brother's learner's permit, back in the 80's he was trying to look good.  He was brushing the imaginary lint off the front of his shirt, when the lady said "look up".  His hands are on his chest in mid-swipe and he is clearly "looking up", eyes all open wide, like he's saying "For what?"


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