There is no longer any reason to carry on.
Yes. Lack of coffee has driven me over the edge. I'll be like a cartoon
man, dragging himself across the desert. The mirage of a Starbucks,
always just out of reach. This morning, I'll crawl myself over the
threshold of K-Mart, on my hands and knees as the old, greeter lady
walks over, hears my piteous moaning, bends down and says,
"Coffee makers are right this way, hon."
I will groan at her, my unintelligible gratitude, as I clutch my aching,
thought-free head and whine my way to the various coffee makers on
display. Obviously I will not be capable of making anything like a
sensible decision, in my un-caffeinated state. I will jostle on the
floor, with the other poor wretches who awoke to no coffee.
I will need to rely on bold print and small-word statements that appear
on the box, along the lines of: "THIS MAKES COFFEE FOR YOU!"
In this morning's coffee maker competition finals, any coffee maker that says words like that ^ on the box, wins!
Even the Russian judge will award it a 10/10 for sheer brilliance and
grasp of the fundamentals of what this competition is all about. That
coffee maker understands the true meaning of this advertising battle and
transcends the petty "bitterness" between rivals.
Will I clean the new coffee maker before making this morning's pot of
nectar? Perhaps. Or possibly I will be drinking my first cup, with bits
of shredded cardboard and Styrofoam packing peanuts, still in.
When I say "Nothing tastes like that first cup of coffee." I will not necessarily be expounding on it's level of deliciousness.
Oh God, my head.