Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Crazy girlfriends are pretty fun!

After finding a stable, "normal" girlfriend and dating her for months and months I can look back on the wonderfully psychotic girls I have dated in the past.

Remember that astronaut that drove across the country to "talk to" the girl she thought was seeing her man? She had duct tape, rope, gloves, etc. in the trunk? (OHMYGODISTHATMYKINDOFGIRLORWHAT?!?!)

She wouldn't even have made the top five crazy girlfriends I've had. But at the time, there is NO WAY I would have said no to a girl like her. I would have actively pursued her. She was smart, clever, funny, possessive, (judging by the zip ties and work gloves, a TOTAL problem-solver) controlling and manipulative. She also had that trait that I seemed to find so irresistable.

She was broken inside. Broken in a way that even her trunk-full of duct tape could not fix.

There was something she fought valiantly against, which made her who she was. She excelled and struggled and won, time after time. Only the hole that she was trying to fill was never going to fill up, no matter how successful she was.

She is exactly the kind of girl I found captivating. Brave, a fighter and possibly wholly unaware of her own brokenness.

I'd let her tell me how to act/think/talk/be and then go right on being me. Eventually I would sit her down and tell her if she wants someone who is that way, she needs to date someone else. Someone more like that imaginary guy who she wants me to be.

Then she would go right on to tell me how all of her problems were completely my fault. Obviously.

She would sit in her car, down the street from my house and watch to see who would come over (based on a true story) and I would love that about her. I could sleep soundly knowing she was out there watching over me and would kill the shit out of anyone who meant me harm.

She would make me wonder why any man would cheat on his woman! Just wait five minutes and a whole new personality will roll around to make your life exciting! And it's like gambling. You have NO IDEA WHO WILL POP UP in this slot machine of hormonal imbalances! It could be the sensitive, lucid girl who loves you and apologizes for how she's been acting. It could be the cold, angry girl who says you are the reason she has been so crazy lately (except she was like this in every other relationship she has ever had, but that personality won't be in the rotation for another half hour). Or it could be the passionate, loving one who wants to have all of your babies right now! Or the one that wants to break up and never see you again.

You don't get to choose. Or you can choose two. It's really hard to tell.

The one thing they all have in common is that they are insanely in love with you. Mindlessly, wholly, explosively in love with you.

If they are going to die, they are taking you with them! Isn't that sweet?!?!

I once asked a girlfriend about her son...

"If 'the son will marry his mother', what kind of girl will yours marry?"

That stopped her from folding clothes. She pretty accurately described herself and then went all scary-quiet.

For a few days, she tried pretty hard to act normal. But normal didn't really do it for me. I wasn't in this relationship for 'normal'. I wanted crazy and passionate and unstable and scary.

I didn't have to wait long.

Every day was an off-balance surprise in most of my post-divorce relationships. As time went on I ran into every girl who couldn't be in a solid relationship because at least one of their personalities had to be stable. They were like having four or five crazy cats in a burlap bag which had a two crazy-cat breaking limit on the GVWR placard. The craziness was going to spill out all over the place and that's when the fun starts.

There was going to be some significant hair loss, overturned tables, high-pitched screaming and a lot of tears, blaming and possibly a confused police presence which would briefly interrupt the all-important, prolonged make-up phase of the relationship. You know.

The relationships mostly ended in confusion and with a lingering feeling that we might have been able to make a go of it if had we not met at such a crazy point in "our" lives. A point that seemed to last kind of a long time for some of these girls. Like "adulthood".

I learned a lot in those relationships though. I learned how to take care of a stable girl in really sweet ways. I heard all the romantic ideas and the different languages girl's hearts speak. It got to where I could identify what would make a girl melt very quickly in the first conversation.

Also I learned to accept the crazy that, it seems, even the most "normal" of women try to hide because even they know that some of those thoughts are not right. So when you meet a crazy girl it might be that she just has a dislodged filter and you get to see all the thoughts she doesn't let out. Or she is still holding back on what she thinks is too crazy to let out.

You won't know which! :-)

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